Ore no free will :p

Abis baca bukunya Tiara Lestari and I’m really fascinated with her way of thinking.
If you’re wondering who she is, click the link or use google. It’ll help. I won’t tell much. Strange enough, she got what I had in mind correctly. Like, the way she expresses all of her thoughts. And not just that, she also fascinated me with her blunt ideas on many things, what so-called-as-morality, her job, her passion, and also her dreams. As I finished reading the book. I got caught with a chapter (or maybe two? xD) about her relationship. One was the one about ’soulmate’ and also her talks with her husband.
Well, never… never ever crossed my mind the idea of a ’soulmate’. I never think that way. Well, I have a Yang and Yin at this moment, even though my Yin was like ‘poofed’ and ‘lost’ and left me with my Yang. But hey, overall I’m in perfect balance! I always differentiate my acquintance into three categories, 1. I ‘just happen to’ know you, 2. I ‘do’ know you, and 3. ‘Hell yeah! Gosh!’ I know you. XD
I know, it’s not a ‘proper’ definition, but I hardly take people I know as ‘friends’ or even ‘good friends. If I don’t know about them that much, I’d say ‘well, I just happen to know or notice that person.’, If I know that person and vice versa, I’d say something like ‘Oh yeah, I know that person. She/He is bla bla bla.’ that’s it. Period. While if it’s someone who spend a good deal of his/her time with me and talk about many things, varied from A to Z (considering that I’m a jack of all trades and have uber varied interests), I’d say something like ‘Yes, I know that person.’ with a firm tone and also a bit defensive. Pretty strange for most people, but not for me, as I’m not that kind, especially to a stranger, and I just want to protect those people who shared their thoughts or ideas with me.
A soulmate is a not-really-new term for me, as matter of fact. But still, I can’t (or maybe won’t XD) believe that idea. Some people have asked me, “do you have a soulmate?” or “what do you think about a soulmate?” (I’m thankful they never asked ‘do you need another soulmate?’ XD), the later question was the easiest one since I can simply said ‘I don’t believe in soulmate’ in the same way I don’t believe in Love. But when they asked ‘what do you think/seek in a soulmate?’, I got a hard time explaining and will end up saying ‘well, you know…’ with shrugged shoulders and raised brows. Well, let me tell you this. I lied xD. The truth is I don’t have the answer, aside the fact that I don’t believe it, I also find it as a bizarre idea. A soulmate? someone to match your soul? Can that someone satisfy your soul’s hunger? The other you or ‘the mirror reflection’? Do you really feel ‘complete’? and my last question is do you really need to find a soulmate and need to be with him/her?
My Yang, is simply my Yang, she’s not my other half, or my soulmate, or any other such thing. But she’s got a special place for me, especially since I gave her the special VIP calling card (a special card to call me for whatever reason, for good or bad, it’s uber special :3). Do you see her as my soulmate? Simply because I spent more than just a good deal of time with her, or because I can cry to her and vice versa? I still don’t think so. She’s someone I know quite well (not very since sometimes I just like *sighs* and *shrugs* with her), I can tell her so many things easily and so does she when she’s with me. Are we ’soulmate’ for each other? The answer is simply “no”. She can’t satisfy my soul’s hunger, I still feel ‘incomplete’ and I don’t think that I need to be with her, no matter how much I love her. She’s my best friend, best friend I ever had. Still, not a soulmate (yet? xD).
When I started to think about it again, another question popped up in my mind ‘Is a soulmate always have to be from other gender? or can be both?’ well, result may vary and so with the answers. Many people believe that soulmate HAVE to be from another gender, some believe that ’soulmate’ has nothing to do with gender (well, they said, love come first, money next, and then gender xD. I prefer to say, gender is just a matter of your sexual organs, which one that you have and how well you use it on your copulation.). Since I don’t believe the ’soulmate’ idea, I prefer to leave it as it is. Use your imagination please… think… “do you want (or already have) a soulmate?” I need many answers on this XD
Okay, enough about this ’soulmate’ things, I’ve had enough. Let’s move to my favorite topic ‘relationship’ xD
I admit I like this topic. Why? Well, I’m not good on making relationship with other people, I tend to be cold and ‘distant’ to strangers, and yeah… what you people called it as romance is really something out of my league. I keep wondering over and over, ‘why can’t I have a relationship without thinking much about future, just be here and now, and living the present, no matter what kind of emotion you have deep down inside?’. I hardly have any emotion, it’s just like poofed and vapored away from me long time ago xD. Many, many times I revised my own idea/theory on ‘relationship’ still… I have several quotations that I use as the ‘correct’ or ‘proper’ base to start a relationship. I believe in “love shall set you free” (and it’s one of the reason why I only see marriage just a matter of legal and paperworks, you’ve got the license to sleep and smex someone, and also pass your genes, that’s it.). I’ve seen and also heard many people who got caught up in their own relationship. They’re locked and bind with the invisible chain called ‘relationship’. So, what is freedom in a relationship? In my opinion, that’s something each couple have to decide by themselves. Maybe I got a different idea of freedom at this moment, but most likely I’ll change my mind once I got into the ‘right relationship’. And please, don’t bother to ask me ‘when’ or ‘how’ or even ‘with who’ I got that right relationship xD
In her book, Tiara said about her relationship with Andy, she believes that everything comes with a reason, she’s a girl with logic and reason. Andy, is also the same. Strangely, both of them agreed on ‘love needs no logic, love is somewhere beyond logic (not in bad term as in my thought), and clearly indefinable.’ And they admitted it all, they admit that they found no logic on their relationship. Okay, my instant reaction when I first read it was ‘What the? How come? Everything comes with a reason, so there must be A REASON on why you decided to spent the rest of your life with this person. I’m also a woman with reason and logic. I also work based on my intuition (mostly), well… Tiara said that Love is only can be touch via intuition, since logic can’t reach it at all. Still, she (and also her husband) couldn’t find the logic on their relationship. They believed on a greater force called as ‘fate’ that put them on the same boat. I do believe in fate, but I also believe that my fate is something I have to work by myself. A quote from Memoir of A geisha, “one’s life is like working with clay, it’ll take shape based on the people that have touched and left their traces there.” and that’s similar with my idea of fate. In my religion, God has set the track for each human, and it’s still free for them to change if they’re willing enough (and also work hard to change it).
Tiara mentioned another favorite quote of mine, another anonymous though, “I love you no matter what you are, not I love you because of what you are”. XD
Even though I said that quote as a stupid and also naive one, I do believe in that quote. It’s similar (or maybe even connected) with the old line “love shall set you free”. I do think there’s an unconditional love like that (not just from mother-children as the song said or else >_>), I always think that I don’t need a reason to really like someone. I can have more than a thousand reason to dislike someone, but I don’t need any reason at all to really really really like that persons. I used to say “good guys are either taken or gay, and that’s why I’m looking for the bad guy” xD. Well, bad guys attracted us in their own way, whether they’re being snobbish or whatsoever, but we do feel the thrill and started to like them, no? I see such phenomenon as ’slightly unconditional’. Well, logically thinking, you know he/she ish bad, but you still like him/her for strange reasons such as you like his/her snobbish way, etc. That’s being unconditional!!!
If someone ask me “have you ever been in love?” (considering how much I despise love stories and look down on many couples, this question is the one that mostly asked by my friends xD), and I always answer with the words “Hell no!”. The truth is, I dunno and also don’t want to know what is love, but I admit that sometimes I do feel ‘unconditional’ toward some people. I’d willingly help that person, and being unselfish. And when they asked me why, I’d just say ‘because I want to…’ or ‘why not?’ but when other people asked me why I do such thing, or even being blunt and asked me directly whether I ‘do’ like that particular someone, the answer is just ‘maybe’. I admit I’m interested with that person (for strange reasons like “well, he’s snobbish, selfish, demanding, and needy” not something like “well, he’s nice, kind, and cute”), I admit I feel the thrill, and I admit that I’d do anything to satisfy my own hunger of that person. But is that love? or something more than just being ‘unconditional’?
*sigh* I’m rambling too much T_T thanks to Tiara though for reminding of some things I’ve forgot, and also you who read this stupid rants xD

Okay, benernya aku bener2 dah nutup blog yang ada di sini. Tapi mumpung banget (yah, azaz kemumpungan kan masih jalan, manfaatin deh…), dapet internet gratisan, dibayar pula… dan mumpung aku inget mo ngomong apa. Weks, mumpung banget kan…
Blogku masih tetep di sini, cuma belum ku update aja. Masalahnya aku cuma males aja, gitu tok! Males ambil flashdisk di depan, jadi ini seadanya dan ga pake acara donlot seperti biasa.
Well, aku masih obsessed ma Mizushima Hiro, if ya wondering, mas yang jadi primary-q itu ya dia. Heheehehe…. Ga cakep, tapi keren… Waduh, tambah ga jelas. yang pasti, sekarang masih harus hunting OST-na Great Expectation plus yang laennya. Dan satu hal yang pasti lagi, aku lupa mo ngomong apa aja. >_< Iya, kacau banget kok emang….
Pertanyaan utama, kapan seh aku ga kacau????

Uh huh… aku sekarang lagi hobi baca Angel Sanctuary (judul jepang: Tenshi Kinryoku), satu kalimat yang aku ambil dari sana tuh, “kalo emang malaikat itu dilarang untuk mencintai, kenapa hal itu dijadikan dasar pembuatan mereka?” dan kalimat yang paling sering dikutip “God, do you love me?”, aku nggak pengen ngebahas masalah itu, bakalan capek sendiri, lagian aku kan bukan orang yang percaya apalagi suka ma yang namanya cinta.
Baru-baru ini, waktu nulis di proyekku, aku nggak ngerti kenapa, tapi aku bisa nulis seperti ini “Saat mencintai seseorang, artinya menjadikan orang itu sebuah obyek, bagian dari endless obsession yang terus berputar ad infinitum, aku nggak pengen seperti itu, aku adalah subyeknya, dan aku nggak punya niatan menjadikan orang lain sebagai obyek.” Well, nggak bener2 gitu seh, aku edit sedikit, abisnya, bagian dari dialog seh… ntar panjang lage, pake acara perkenalan tokoh. Nggak deh.
Kemaren aku baca email dari anak yang waktu itu debat ma aku, en dia bilang klo aq orang dengan pemikiran empiris, well… things must be proven as long as it can be proven kan? Aku percaya ada hal-hal yang emang sulit ato bahkan nggak bisa dijelaskan pake nalar (salah satunya makhluk gaib, ini yang jadi dilema, mo percaya yang amat dosa, nggak percaya nggak mungkin… hmmm… repot ya jadi manusia itu…), ummm… benernya bukan cuma percaya seh ya… tapi bisa dibilang paham. Ini satu hal yang aku nggak suka dari diriku sendiri (selain males, boros, en berenergi negatif -eits, yin/yangq ga normal beneran), aku punya kemampuan empati yang lebih, jadi tanpa perlu dibilang aku seringkali bisa ngerti, jadi aku bisa nebak dengan tingkat akurasi yang cukup tinggi tentang tindakan seseorang, bahkan tanpa diminta. Benernya dah nyadar dari dulu seh, tapi males aja ngomongnya, tapi bener2 kerasa tuh akhir2 ini waktu ngobrol ma Yang tentang koko-nya yang satu ini, tanpa perlu kenal dia lebih jauh pun aku dah bisa tahu gimana percakapannya ma Yang, this is weird. Klo boleh milih, aku milih buat nggak punya perasaan, lebih enak, hidup lebih tenang, nggak perlu tahu perasaan orang lain, nggak perlu mikirin hal yang nggak penting, nggak perlu ngerasa sesak setiap kali ada di tempat yang luar biasa ramai (dah kejadian 3 kali selama tahun ini, kayake aq perlu di defrag gila2an, en dibersihin dari virus n bugs), de el el. Yang pasti nggak perlu muttering ‘goosfraba’ over and over again kayak biasanya, nggak perlu juga latihan pernapasan ato senam tai chi (eh, kadang aq masih senam tai chi klo lagi ketemu budhe-q, jadi nggak panas yang namanya otak en telinga).
Balik lagi ke Angel Sanctuary deh… ceritanya tadi aq tuh mo ngomongin ini, tapi menjalar kemana2. Karakter fave-q di sini ya dah jelas deh… Lucifer, kapan seh orang ini ga digambarin keren, pasti dan always cool! Umm… tapi yang bener2 nge bugging aq tuh karakter Mad Hatter ato Belial, salah satu Seven Satans yang represented “Pride”, dia cewek yang nggak punya dada (hey, pengarangnya lho yang bilang sendiri), dan dia sendiri bilang “Apa kau tidak menyukai ketika tidak bisa menyebutkan seseorang pria atau wanita, kenapa kau dipenuhi pikiran atas batasan yang ditentukan Tuhan? Jenis kelamin, ras, kelas sosial, apa itu hal yang benar-benar penting?” Ummm… iya juga kan… kita hidup itu selalu dipenuhi pikiran atau dikotomi black and white, pure white ato pitch black, which side will you fall on? Pada saat kita atau orang lain memutuskan sesuatu yang berbeda, hal itu jadi gunjingan, semua orang bakal ngomongin, padahal ga ada yang namanya pure white ato pitch black tadi, everyone has it own reason to feel good or bad. Ada orang yang seneng klo liat orang lain seneng, ada orang yang justru seneng waktu dia lagi susah, kenapa waktu orang ngerasa ato punya pikiran seperti itu dipersalahkan sama orang-orang lain di dunia? Padahal mereka sendiri belon tentu bisa ngerasain hal yang sama kan? It’s all about choices, hidup itu isinya kan sekumpulan pilihan yang nggak kenal kata redo ato undo, itu aja.
Semalem adekq maksa aku lagi buat cepet2 punya anak, gila emang! Pacar aja nggak punya, pikiran buat married apalagi, kan semua anak orang laen itu lucu! Oke, marks the words ‘anak orang laen…’ Aku masih nggak bisa nentuin pilihan buat punya pacar dalam waktu dekat, at some point I still want to be free, maksudq, My Apple in The Eye tuh dah cukup banyak ngebantuin aq, gitu aja. At other point, ego-ku dipaksa ma super-ego buat bertingkah laku sesuai apa yang diharapkan banyak orang, logically it does make sense gitu lah…. Selama masih ada aturan di dunia ini, we have to play by the rules kan? Tapi tetep aja, aku nggak pengen direpotin ma hal-hal semacam itu, aku nggak ngerti yang bermasalah ini adekq ato aku ya benernya… buat nyenengin dia seh aq bilang aja “Ntar klo aq bawa anak ke sini, aq dibantai ma Ibu yo! Jangan sembarangan!” Hihihihi…. I’m not lying kan yang penting, aku nggak bohong ato ngebohongin salah satu diantara kami berdua.